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Why You Must Gain Control Of Your Jealousy,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]
Finding out you've been cheated on is like being hit by a freak storm: One minute the sky is blue and clear; the next minute,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], your relationship has been reduced to acres of debris.
It's how you go about cleaning up that debris that determines how you survive an affair. The debris consists of your outrage, confusion,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], humiliation, and of course,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], jealousy -- all of which can steadily devour your self-respect. But what you may be finding equally troubling is the intensity of what you've been feeling.
Consider the case of schoolmistress Jean Harris,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], who was convicted of murdering Herman "The Scarsdale Diet Doctor" Tarnower. After he broke their engagement,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], they continued their relationship, though Tarnower never concealed from her that he was also having a relationship with his receptionist.
After Tarnower told her he was taking the receptionist to a testimonial banquet -- and to "stop bothering" him -- Harris mailed him a letter,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], wrote some suicide notes,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], packed a gun, and drove five hours to his home. She found Tarnower alone in his bedroom,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], but she also found the receptionist's nightgown and toiletries in a bathroom. Harris threw them about the bedroom, an argument ensued, and she shot him four times.
No doubt there was a time when Harris would have told her own students, "It's only human to get jealous and angry about being cheated on. But you're supposed to have enough common sense and self-esteem to know where to draw the line." And I have no doubt that you would have agreed with her a thousand per cent. Now that you know how it feels to stand in Harris' shoes,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], however,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], do you still agree?
What Harris did "wrong" was not confront the ticking time bomb that her jealousy had become. It had so thoroughly distorted her moral compass and depleted her self-esteem that once she eliminated Tarnower, suicide became a moot issue.
You can't survive an affair if you can't manage your jealousy and your revenge fantasies. Go ahead and think about them,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], even write them out. But then you must also decide to refuse to take them any further than that. You'll end up being as much a villain as your cheating partner or spouse,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], and it doesn't really solve your problem, does it? After all,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], the point of learning how to survive an affair is to get to a place where you can make decisions about the future of your relationship based on what your brain and heart are telling you,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], not your emotions.
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