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Growing a family A parents guide to helping siblings bond
Highlights Let your children nurture each other See each child as an individual Don't shortchange your older child Embrace conflict, don't squelch it Listen to grievances, acknowledge concerns Help them manage their anger Go from conflict to conciliation Remember: Siblings are forever The BabyCenter Seven: Super Comebacks to Sibling Complaints
When you discovered you were pregnant with another child,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], you probably envisioned the benefits a brother or sister would bring to your firstborn not scenes of sibling rivalry. Read on to find proven strategies from experts and parents for managing squabbles and helping your children develop close bonds that will last a lifetime.
Let your children nurture each otherStrangely enough, geometry comes in handy when you're laying the foundation for sibling harmony. With practice, they'll become less adversary, more advocate."I call it working myself out of a job," says Keyser. "As a parent, as much as I love nurturing my kids, I try to step aside so they can nurture one another. That allows them to have a kind of give-and-take so they can develop a close relationship for life."Keyser tells a story from her own life, recalling the time her son, Calvin, accidentally kicked his baby sister, Maya, in a moment of 4-year-old exuberance. Keyser managed to refrain from running to comfort her crying infant. And Maya was able to perceive her big brother as a gentle, caring person.
Elissa Stein of New York City says that when her son,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], Jack, was born, she wanted her daughter, Izzy, to feel like he was her baby, too. "I'd say things like, 'Iz, you've got to watch out for our boy.' This fostered a sense of responsibility and commitment to him that I don't think would have been there otherwise." Now that Izzy is 9 and Jack is 6, Stein says they share a close bond that eclipses small squabbles. Suggest that your toddler give your older child a kiss when she's crying because she wasn't invited to a party. When one child is having a hard time with a friend or frustrated about having to clean up the train set, you can ask your other child, "How can you help him?"Before you know it, your precarious position at the top of the triangle will be replaced by a more secure one in a balanced family circle.
See each child as an individualIt's tempting to tell your kids that you love them equally,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], but the truth is, children don't want to hear that you love them all the same. I love you all the same.' But that didn't satisfy any of them," Faber says. Instead, a parent might say something like, "You are my only Amy. In the whole, wide world there is no one like you. No one else has your thoughts,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], your feelings, your way of doing things. I'm so lucky you were born to me."The idea is to help each child feel valued as an individual. Another way to do this is to be specific in your praise: "You buttoned your shirt all by yourself." "You cleared your plate without my asking." "You made your sister feel good when you shared your muffin."Also, be careful not to compare, says Faber. Nothing breeds resentment like piling on praise at the expense of another child. To wit, "Why can't you dress the way your sister does? She always looks so neat," or, "Your baby sister has better table manners than you, and you're almost 6!"Even complimentary comparisons risk stirring up hostility among your children. Growing children need to experiment with multiple roles. And you risk ensuring that the Troublemaker becomes forever just that and resents the Artist, or whichever sibling whose role he yearns to try.
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